I am brilliant in the shower!

When no one is around I am at my best. On my long walks I imagine myself witty, funny, reassuring and wise. At times I laugh out loud at my clever remarks and then look around sheepishly to make sure no one is within earshot.

Driving home from work I get lost in my thoughts. I am profound writer, speaker and political analyst.

But I am at my best in the small, humid world created by the warm spray of the water, the hum of the fan that is losing the moisture battle and surrounded by my curtain. As I go through my daily routine I sing, compose poems, write dramatic plays and am a catalyst for happiness, prosperity and world peace. Of course!

But beyond the safe curtain of my shower I rarely dream so voraciously. In the real world I temper my hopes with discretion lest I be laughed at, tease, ridiculed or simply looked at as another pathetic person who lives in a dream world.

And why not live in a dream world. No one laughs at me in the shower and I am always brilliant.

Creativity

I taught a class on creativity last week. Getting ready for the class involved all the hard work and little of the fun of the creative process.

I studied, outlined, formatted, redid, researched, changed my outline and finally a product. A creative product.

My class started with me sharing a dictionary definition of creativity. I then gave the class this assignment:

"Working in your table groups creatively define the words creativity and innovation."

The groups talked, brainstormed, and in only 15 minutes each had come up with very standard, formal, predictable definitions of creativity and innovation.

I asked them if they thought their definitions were different from the dictionary and they pointed to the different words and said emphatically, "Yes!"

So I gave them the assignment again. Using the exact words.

"Working in your table groups creatively define the words creativity and innovation."

They stormed, they steamed, they fumed and then they once again came up with very ordinary, expected, torn right from the pages of the dictionary definitions.

The discontent in the room was rising. They had come expecting something fun and instead were frustrated and irritable. One participant joked that I was a petty tyrant and if I would just tell them what I wanted, they would do it, the class would be over and everyone would be out of their misery.

Petty and tyrannical, though I may be, I am no quitter.

This time I asked all the participants with glasses to come to the front of the room. I then had everyone switch glasses and said dramatically to the class, "Creativity is looking at things from another perspective."

After they sat down I gave them the same instructions.

"Working in your table groups, creatively define the words creativity and innovation."

Things were getting tense in the room. The body language clearly communicated that I was not only a petty tyrant but a crazy women with some mischievous intent with my insane and persistent utterings.

And in about 10 minutes each group came up with a definition of creativity that felt like a black hole sucking all the energy of the group into a vortex of resentment. Some different words but nothing new, nothing fresh, nothing - well creative.

I did not know what to do. We had been together for 1 long hour and 30 tedious minutes.

I said it again. Yes - I dared to once more issue the challenge.

Creatively define the words creativity and innovation. And I left the room and the groups to their own devices for 15 minutes.

When I returned the room had been rearranged into a circle of chairs. The spokesperson said that "Creativity is a willingness to learn from each other, a decision to be open and to consider other ideas."

You know, it was not a major breakthrough, but it was a beginning. The mood lightened and we had a discussion about the hard work of creativity.

Later that week I was working on a project for my website and I could not figure out a process. I worked on it until in desperation I determined that it was too confusing. And then my class came back to me and I remembered how long it took them to step outside of the traditional definition form and I got right back to work.

It Is So Obvious

We had some friends over last night and that means too much food, too much drink and too many pounds.

So I planned ahead. I had vegetables ready to snack on, low calorie Popsicles (which I love) and diet drinks (which I don't love), chicken soup, and brown rice fat free crackers (also - no salt since I am trying to cut back on sodium).

And it worked. I snacked on healthy foods all evening. I also did not even taste any of the delightful foods because I don't have that moderation thing turned on in my head right now and one bite leads to another and soon the whole thing has been eaten by me.

I also got up and exercised this morning.

Yea - a great night and great morning!

I think I am a scolder

I was reading my holiday post and it has a definite scold overtone. That is a weakness of mine in my writing. I have to make a point that I have a profound insight that will make your life better - even if I have to hit you right between the eyes for you to listen.

I think my scolding is mostly intended for me. I think that is how I grew up - being scolded into good behavior. Skinner believes that we are reward/punishment creatures. Reward a behavior - it perpetuates. Punish a behavior and it proliferates. Consciously and deliberately combine the two and humans are as malleable as clay. Clay that never turns hard.

Most behavioralist are now chastened by the reality of hard core, hard wired behaviors that tend to suggest we are more precast than easily shaped clay.

So here I am trying to mold my own behaviors. And I do it through chastening myself into changing. There is one problem - it does not really work - but it is not intuitive to trust in myself.

The Holidays

The holidays are an interesting dynamic. It is a time of family and a time of excess. It is a time to reflect and a time to gather - more stuff. We buy and buy and eat and eat. The holidays reveal us more than any other time.

We are like children that are spoiled and out of control and we need a super nanny to help us snap out of it. If we had a super nanny - this is what she would tell us:

Justify it anyway you want - but that new TV is new for three months and the children dying of AIDS, worms, hunger and abuse are still dying. Turn on that new sitcom - poorly written and acted worse and children are dying. You need to learn to share.

You don't, in fact, need a new car. Think about it. That car makes you important for two, three years tops - if it is a Mercedes or BMW. Then it is just a car. You are so short sided. Do something more than chase your own importance.

High blood pressure medicine, pills to control your blood sugar, sleep remedies, cholesterol control, coffee to wake up, even "shots" for a midday pick-up. This is not experiencing your life - this is existing until you die.

Words that hurt - the unkind things that are said and done in the name of pride, integrity, religious honor, right and wrong - are not signs that you are a worthy human, just a clueless human. If there is a god - have you ever thought that s/he would not want you to take stands - but to take hands.

Anyway - those are my super nanny thoughts - there is no super nanny - so we go to war, destroy our environment, hate, and intervene in lives, worlds, and countries when we should stay home and drink warm milk.

Starting Again

Good News! My bout with exhaustion is over. No more back pain, no more sleeping 10 - 12 hours or 16 hours a day. No more walking for 30 minutes and needing to sleep for three hours. Why was I so exhausted. I will never really know. It was probably stress - but it could have been a virus or something with hormones (though nothing showed up).

Any way - enough with the pathetic life of the exhausted. Now on to achieving my goals.

Easing Myself Back into Routines

I woke up this morning and showered and dressed. For two days I stayed in bed and in my sleeping wear.I figured this was an important step.

Last night I woke in pain. My middle back (muscles) were aching, I had stomach cramps and since I was not going to be sleeping I decided to do some more research on what ails me. One thing for certain - fish oil is good for the heart. Today I went and bought wild salmon and made a healthy salad. Spinach, avocado, red pepper, onion, shittake mushrooms, and olive oil. It was a nourishing lunch and nothing makes me feel quite as good as a nutritious meal.

Next I did light exercise. When I read about bouts of exhaustion the articles say to exercise light and focus on stretching. I think my six mile run did me in. I was already so tired and I was hopeful that exercise would reduce stress and invigorate my body - but instead I was worn out and I slept for hours.

As I work my way back to full energy I am doing light stretching and easy walking. At least tomorrow. Today I stretched. I feel like I did a full blown workout.

I think I am suffering from stress. While I realize that I have many reasons to be so stressed, I also know that I can manage it much better. I am ready books on zen Buddhism and meditation and it is such a peaceful and stess free approach to living life.

My life has not turned out to be very stress free. My husband has been unemployed since May when he was laid off. I am a support system for my four children, and I worry about money. I can get overly involved in caring about politics.

I really want to make a difference, but I have not figured out exactly how to do that at this point. I think I do through my trainings and my coaching at work - but there is more I want to do.

I want to help women find success in their careers and women throughout the world to have a chance for a healthy, happy life.

I want people here to care about each other. We should not have to fight so hard to justify health care for all. I don't understand the animosity. The immense hatred that is expressed at that notion.

I want education to be our priority instead of world domination. I want children to have food and fresh water. And I want to somehow play a role. Somehow.

Been Sick

My last weigh-in was 129 - but I have been home in bed now for two days and sleeping about 15 hours each day.

It is soooooo frustrating. I have gone to the doctor but so far I am in perfect health. My blood work is great - I had an ultrasound and everything is great there.

I think I might have something wrong with my heart. It hurts. My doctor has ordered a stress test but I have not felt well enough yet to go. Next week. But I am going to get my habits and life where I want it.

Curses - you evil sickness - out you devils. You will not prevail!

On the Road Again

132 this morning. I have been thinking a lot about routines and habits and how those are the foundations of excellence. Some years ago my sister told me about flylady.com. I have been going to her blog and reading posts made by the many women that follow her.

She bases her philosophy on routines and 15 minute pushes. I have many routines that I now use to structure my life - and I do alright. But when I fall I can undo in one weekend, what I have spent a week achieving.

With the debate with Scott, my brother-in-law, I noticed that it is not just what I want to do, but what I need to avoid or stop that is equally important. I am not reading the news this week. I am a news junkie, a political nut cake and an avid reader of many, many newspapers. While I am in the know - no one really cares and it certainly does not have anything to do with my goals. So I decided to go one week without news.

You need to know that I tired this before. I lasted two days. Shaking, almost unable to walk, in deep withdrawal, I crawled to my computer and gorged on news. I read some stories twice just to calm down. I did not know or care what to do with all the time I had gained.

Well, this week I have now gone five days and I have been firm with my mealy mouth newspaper reading, time wasting self. If I have been started to experience withdrawal I have read about Zen Meditation or the flylady.com website. And it makes a difference.

I feel more focused, more stable. I am reading less and accomplishing more. One last thing.

Last night John went out with a friend. I was delighted to have the house to myself and decided to skip my night routine and watch West Wing. I loved it, but this morning I was behind because I skipped my night routine.

My night routine is not terrible\y time consuming and it makes a big difference in the morning. So my lessons are - don't waste your time doing stuff that does not take you to your goals and do your routine and veg out.

Redemption

Well - this morning I was not down to 130 - but I was at 133. Just think, if I had stayed on plan that pound would put me at 129. Well - I am really thinking about what gets me off.

What are my thinking patterns that talk me into doing what I want but don't want. Why does the part that wants to eat win out. That is not true for a lot of people. The part that wants to be thin and in shape rules the day.

Buddhist monks spend their lives training their rational brain to overrule their emotional brain. Some that are of the most austere orders will meditate while sitting on sharp rocks and completely turn out the pain and discomfort.

I have been in a rigorous debate with my brother-in-law. There were many things I enjoyed about the debate. One was that it forced me to make sure that my facts were straight and that I had done my homework.

But it obsessed me. He sent an article by a person that had as many critical thinking errors and logical flaws as there are in existence. He might have invented a few new ones. I dreamt about the article. I refuted it, corrected it, pointed out the flaws and awoke exhausted and preoccupied.

I went to work and my mind raced. I could not meditate. I could not concentrate. The debate is over and that is good, but I want to not have my scattered, busy, neurotic brain running my calm, zen, almost arrived in nirvana brain.

I have been working on training my brain - but it is time to get more serious about this. With my habits, structures, routines and other life managing processes - good focus and meditation would really help me.